A letter from a grandson to his grandfather

Contributed By

Jonathan B Crider

Written 2/18/2009

a letter from a grandson to his grandfather,

I write this knowing you are dead and no longer of this world.

I find some comfort in that and also some shame. I live in the aftermath of your destructive wake. I thought I knew you but realize that no one really knew you. I remember the days of learning to water ski and fish, riding my first motorcycle, and long drives to nowhere. Yet, whenever it came time to sit and talk you quietly left never contributing. You became the shadow of my memories.

I stand as the proud son and nephew of survivors. Their pain and suffering I will never understand and hope to never understand. My life takes on different challenges. Every person needs to attack his or her own challenges and pains. I will take full credit for all of mine. Each person must make his own decisions.

I am now the father of three beautiful children, whom you have never met. They will know nothing of you. That is the choice you made when you decided to no longer stay in contact with me, a trend throughout your life. The story they will hear is of Grandma and my memories of her. You will remain a shadow in my telling, as you were a shadow in life. That may seem harsh and unforgiving for that I am sorry and I will deal with that in time.

I see the pain in the eyes of your children that no one should be allowed to see. I see a life that could have been but no longer possible. I feel a sorrow that has no place in this life. A big gapping hole that can no longer be filled, yet I do fill it with memories and love for my children, something that I am not sure you understand.

My life is good. I know love. I know pleasure. I understand pain. I do not understand you. I am content with that.

I write this letter to put you behind me and allow myself to move forward. I never took the time to think about what you meant to me. It was not until I participated in the blessing of a great-grandchild of yours whom you will never meet. Life is precious. My father raised me to respect and love. He learned that on his own. I benefit from his pain. Pain you caused. Pain that never should have been. I can never forgive you, but I can forget you. You will remain a shadow in my memory. A shadow of what might exist. A shadow to remember that my children are the most important things in the world. I break the chain that holds you in my memory. I do it to survive. I do it to move on.

With sorrow and finality, jonathan b crider